♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
Dorothy, what are you doing?
I'm watching Amazing Discoveries. Look at that.
The thing just shucks the corn off the cob.
It just shucks it off.
I cannot watch you spend one more night like this.
You're coming with me to the Rusty Anchor.
Oh, Blanche, I told you, I am so uncomfortable with strangers.
Now, now, don't blame yourself.
They're just as uncomfortable with you.
It all stems from your low self-esteem.
What are you talking about?
Dorothy, if you felt better about yourself
you'd want to get out and do more.
I have a little exercise I do
whenever my self-esteem's kind of low.
I say my name and then I list three positive things about myself.
I'm Blanche Devereaux. I'm beautiful,
men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend.
Go on now, you try. Oh, Blanche.
Oh, please. Please.
(SIGHS) I'm Dorothy Zbornak. I'm beautiful,
men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend.
I'm sorry I confused you, honey.
You're supposed to say three positive things that apply to you.
You know, like you could say, "I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
"I'm a good speller, and I'm...
"I'm very prompt and, um..."
Well, actually, there's-- there's no law
that says there has to be three.
Actually, I just thought of a third one.
I can snap a friend's neck like a twig.
ROSE: There we go.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, girls, we just went to Doug Kirkpatrick's wake.
It was the greatest.
I can't remember when I had so much fun.
Those Irishmen.
They even laid out Doug's body in the living room.
Oh, that sounds morbid.
I didn't have a problem with it
till one of the relatives got drunk and started
slow dancing with the corpse.
But even then it was surprisingly touching.
And speaking of being touched,
it's nickel beer night at the Rusty Anchor.
I'm gonna get my purse,
you get changed, 'cause we're goin'.
Oh, Blanche, what if no one there wants to talk to me?
What if nobody asks me to dance?
Now, Dorothy, think,
if there's somebody out there who is willin' to dance with a corpse,
there's somebody willin' to dance with you.
Blanche, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Well, nonsense. I promise you're gonna have a good time.
Wait. You're going to introduce me to some of your friends?
Yes, if I see anybody I know.
ALL: Blanche!
Hi, everybody!
Hey, Blanche. How's life?
Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world,
and I'm wearin' no underwear.
Hi, everybody. Hi, Frank.
Hey, boys, I want you all to meet my best friend Dorothy.
Dorothy, this is Frank and Alan and Paul.
Hiya, Dorothy. How are you?
You boys show her a good time.
I would, but I want to have one myself.
You're... You're a little uncomfortable, aren't you?
Uh, to be...
To be honest, I'm not really
into the bar scene.
I... I sense you're not either.
I guess the problem is to make that human connection,
you know, with the...
(PLAYING SOFT MUSIC)
Hi. Hi.
I haven't seen you here before.
I usually don't come to places like this.
Well, I can understand.
A lot of people feel uncomfortable in a bar.
(BLANCHE LAUGHING)
Yes, I can see that.
(HUMMING)
Hey, you don't happen to sing, do you?
What makes you think that I--I sing, or would even want to?
I mean, you know, some people might enjoy
making fools of themselves in public,
but, uh... Me, sing? I... I don't think so.
You sing, don't you? A little.
Great. Uh, how about some Irving Berlin?
Blue Skies? Always?
Maybe... Maybe some other time.
What'll I Do?
D flat is good for me.
♪ What'll I do?
(HUMMING)
♪ ...away
♪ And I am blue
♪ What'll I do?
Very nice.
♪ What'll I do
♪ When I am wondering
♪ Who is kissing you
♪ What'll I do?
You're very good, Dorothy.
♪ What'll I do
♪ With just a photograph
♪ To tell my troubles to?
♪ When I'm alone
♪ With only dreams of you
♪ That won't come true
♪ What'll I do?
♪ What'll I do
♪ With just a photograph
♪ To tell my troubles to?
♪ When I'm alone
♪ With only dreams of you
♪ That won't come true
♪ What'll I do?
(ALL CHEERING)
Your friend's pretty good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not wearing a bra.
Oh, Blanche, honey,
I just wanted to thank you again for last night.
Hmm? Oh, yeah. Sure. No problem.
You still haven't said anything about my performance.
What, you mean that little ditty you croaked out?
I thought it was cute.
Dorothy, how would you like to go to a wake next Friday?
Ma, you know how I feel about those things.
They're so sad and depressing.
Whose wake is it anyway?
Mine. What time?
No, she's serious.
Next Friday Sophia's gonna throw her own wake.
Food, drinks, music.
The only difference will be she'll be alive.
God willing.
Wait a minute, what--what are you talking about?
At Doug's wake, people got up and said wonderful things about him.
But he wasn't there to hear it.
I don't want that to happen to me.
I want to hear how people feel about me.
I want to be there to listen as they salute my--my grace,
my wit, my inner beauty.
Ma, writers cost money.
Now, this whole idea is twisted.
Come on, you're gonna be around for years.
There's no reason for anybody to say goodbye to you.
Dorothy, I want this.
There's nothing you can do to stop me.
Nothing you can say will prevent me from having the wake of my dreams.
Well, I'm not paying for it.
Okay, a kitten. Can I have a kitten?
Sophia, I'll be happy to pay for your wake. I love you.
Well, me, too.
Well, fine. Fine. Do what you want.
Just don't expect me to be a part of it.
I even know a way we can save some money.
I'll make the hors d'oeuvres.
Some wake.
Scandinavian crap on a cracker.
I mean, thank you.
(ALL CHANTING) Blanche, Blanche, Blanche...
It's a bosun's knot, all right!
(ALL CHEERING)
Now for my encore.
Ahem, the Star of David!
(MEN EXCLAIMING)
Hey, it's Dorothy!
Hey, Dorothy! MAN 1: Hi!
MAN 2: Dorothy, glad to see you again. MAN 3: Hi!
Hey, come on down here and let me buy you a drink.
Hey, no, no, no, no. I wanna buy her a drink!
Hey, I asked her first. Oh, come on, come on. Boys, boys, boys!
I am woman enough for all of you.
This is the point in my dream where I usually wake up screamin'.
What are you doing here anyway, Dorothy?
Well, I tell you, I was on my way to the laundromat,
and I just happened to pass by and thought I'd drop in.
Well, uh, you gonna sing for us tonight, Dorothy?
Oh, yeah, Dorothy. Yeah, yeah. Come on.
No, no, no. I'm not prepared.
Come on, you gotta sing for us again.
Really I wouldn't know what to do. Oh, come on.
Hey, she said she's not prepared.
There's no use asking her to... Will you look what I found?
Sheet music!
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute!
I--I have a much better idea. Let's all conga!
MAN 4: Later, Blanche.
We wanna hear Dorothy sing.
(EXCLAIMS)
(PLAYING HARD HEARTED HANNAH)
♪ They call her hard-hearted Hannah
♪ The vamp of Savannah
♪ Meanest gal in town
♪ Now, leather is tough
♪ But Hannah's heart is tougher
♪ She's a gal who likes to see men suffer
What's the matter, Blanche? You seem upset. Is anything wrong?
Oh, no. No big deal.
Just one little thing.
I feel like I've died and gone to hell.
♪ She's hard-hearted Hannah
♪ The vamp of Savannah, GA
(ALL CHEERING)
Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice
you took several of my tasty, delicious, lutefisk puffs
and you've hardly touched them.
Uh, I just don't care for them.
Yeah, well, that's an ugly hat.
Rose, nobody's having a good time. It's supposed to be a party.
Well, maybe when Sophia makes her entrance,
it'll perk things up.
Oh, everybody, here's Myrtle!
Oh, Myrtle, thank goodness you got here.
You're just the person we need to liven up this party.
Do some of those impressions you're so good at.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
(EXCLAIMS)
Jimmy Swaggart, right?
That's just wonderful. Do another one.
The last time I saw her she was fine.
I didn't even know she was sick.
What happened?
Wait, don't tell me. Uh, Claus von Bulow?
I'm talking about Sophia.
How did she die?
What do you mean, how did she...
Excuse me.
Rose, listen, I want you to think now, very carefully.
When you sent out those invitations,
you did remember to tell everyone
Sophia's really alive, didn't you?
Blanche, I'm offended.
How dumb do you think I am?
I put it...
I made the freaking hors d'oeuvres.
Leave me alone.
You idiot. Everybody thinks she's dead now!
Well, we're gonna have to tell 'em the truth before she comes...
Hey, everyone!
(MOURNERS SCREAMING)
Thanks for coming to my wake.
What do you think of the dress?
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)
Well, excuse me for buying off the rack.
Sophia, is it really you?
You're supposed to be dead.
Hold that thought.
Rose, you forgot to tell these people I was alive, didn't you?
And I made the freaking punch,
and I made the freaking decorations.
What is this? Some kind of sick joke?
(CHATTERING)
All right, everybody, now just stop!
Okay, so there's been a little misunderstanding.
But the point is, you're all here.
And you were invited to--to celebrate Sophia's life
and--and the wonderful times you've shared.
And--And the good news is that Sophia's still with us.
So, now you have the chance to tell her
how you really feel about her.
I'll go first.
Sophia, I drove 30 miles
and missed a day of work just to be here.
I think it's very selfish of you not to be dead.
And I missed...
Well, actually, I didn't have anything planned for today,
but I'm still p. o.'d.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Sophia.
But, you know, the important thing is they all came.
And... And, when they thought you were dead, they were real sad.
Now that counts for somethin'.
I guess you're right.
But I still wish my wake hadn't been such a disaster.
Well, look on the bright side.
You'll have another one.
ALL: Dorothy!
Hi, everybody!
MAN: Hey, Dorothy.
Hey, Dorothy, what's your pleasure?
Claude Akins on a waterbed.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Until then, a beer will have to do.
Hey, guys, what about me?
Blanche! Well, that's more like it.
Shut the door.
See? What did I tell you?
That's why I wanted you to come down and see for yourself.
Look at that. The men are practically swarming all over her.
Just like she was somebody.
I just have to keep reminding myself, I am Blanche Devereaux.
I am beautiful, men find me desirable,
and my life is over.
Boy, when the mask falls off, it really makes a thud.
Come on, Dorothy, sing something for us.
Oh, yeah. Come on, sing something for us.
Something wrong, Sophia?
I don't believe it. My Dorothy is popular.
After 60 years of bargaining with God, it's finally happened.
Per our agreement, I'm off to Calcutta to work with the poor.
Well, I for one have had it with Miss Dorothy Zbornak.
I'm gonna get this bar's attention if it's the last thing I do.
MAN: Why don't you do what you did last time? That would be good. That...
Hey, fellows, what's goin' on?
Oh, yeah, hi, Blanche. Sit down.
Dorothy's about to sing for us. Yeah.
Did it ever occur to any of you that maybe I'd like to sing?
(LAUGHING) Come on, Blanche.
You've been coming here seven years,
the only thing I've ever seen you do on that piano is...
Hey, hey, hey. There's a lady present.
Thank you.
Everybody, may I have your attention, please?
Two can play at this game, you know.
Boys,
I have a little surprise for you.
Yeah, yeah, we know. You're not wearing a bra.
No. No, I'm gonna sing.
(MEN EXCLAIMING)
Could you, please?
Thank you.
For all my special friends here at the Rusty Anchor,
this one's for you.
Hit it, Ron.
(PLAYING I WANNA BE LOVED BY YOU)
♪ I wanna be loved by you
♪ Just you
♪ And nobody else but you
♪ I wanna be loved by you
♪ Alone
♪ Boop-boop-ba-doo
♪ Kissed by you, just you
♪ And nobody else but you
♪ I wanna be kissed by you
♪ Alone
♪ I couldn't aspire
♪ To anything higher
♪ Than your desire
♪ To make you my own
♪ Ba-bop-bee-da boop-boop-dee-doo
♪ I wanna be loved by you
♪ Just you
♪ And nobody else but you
♪ I wanna be loved by you
♪ Alone
♪ Boop-boop-a-doop!
Hi, handsome. What's your name?
His name's Don, and he just had hip surgery.
Well, hello, big boy.
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
(YELLS)
♪ I wanna be loved by you
♪ Just you and nobody else but you
♪ I wanna be loved by you
(SCREAMING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
Two Jews, an Arab, and a priest walk into a bar...
I don't understand what you're so upset about.
The Rusty Anchor is my place, damn it. Not yours.
Blanche, you were the one who begged me to come down here.
You were the one who told me to get a life.
Well, I didn't mean mine!
I didn't know you were gonna come in here
and just take my place away from me.
I would never do that to you, Dorothy.
Do you see me going down to sing at the library?
Well, do you?
Blanche, I'm... I'm sorry. I had no idea.
All right, the truth is,
I'm jealous of you.
Oh, God, that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Blanche, what are you talking about?
Dorothy, the one thing in my life I've always been assured of is
being the center of attention.
Oh, I knew I never had to worry about competing
with any other woman 'cause I'd always win.
But when I saw you sing the other night,
I realized why all those men
were practically fallin' all over themselves to get to you.
Because, Dorothy, when you sing,
you light up the room. You do.
You positively glow. You're just...
You're beautiful.
Oh, Blanche, you don't have to say that.
Well, believe me, I don't like sayin' it.
But it's true.
You can attract men in a way I can't
and I'm jealous of you.
Blanche Devereaux,
that is the nicest thing that you have ever said to me.
It is? Absolutely.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Most of the time when I compliment you, I'm not being sincere.
But I really meant that last one, I swear.
Look, Blanche, the Rusty Anchor
is not worth risking our friendship over.
If you want me to stop coming here, just say so.
I want you to stop comin' here.
Like hell I will.
Then what are we gonna do?
Why don't we share?
Let's just be sure that we both don't show up on the same night.
You mean, like I would come three nights a week, and you come three?
Right. Oh, wait a minute. What about Sunday?
Oh, you don't wanna come on a Sunday, Dorothy.
The men have been watching football all day long.
They're drunk and rowdy...
Yeah, you want Sundays, don't you?
Please.
It's a deal.
Oh, Dorothy.
Dorothy, are you ever jealous of me?
Every day of my life.
Blanche, why don't we go out there and do a duet?
Do you know Cry Me A River?
Uh, no, I don't.
Good. We'll do that one.
♪ I saw her at the seashore
♪ With a great big pan
♪ Well, there was Hannah pouring water on a drowning man
♪ She's hard-hearted Hannah
♪ The vamp of Savannah, GA
(ALL APPLAUDING)